Houseowner 1 – Squirrel 0
Posted in Uncategorized on May 14, 2009 by PetuniaSquirrels were eating bird seed, so vaseline was put on the bird feeder line.
Dog Peeves About Humans
Posted in Dogs on March 20, 2009 by Petunia
1. Blaming your farts on me… not funny … not very funny at all!
2. Blaming your gas on me…not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking… I’M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my a** on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12. When you pick up the c**p piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, idiot.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn’t yet solved the visible fence problem!!
How to Give Your Cat a Pill
Posted in Funny Cats on March 19, 2009 by Petuniaby Peggy Althoff
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting upper jaw and pop the pill in – quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and…. Oops!
9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think “Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos!”
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat).
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast, time and tabbies wait for no man – or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Viola! It’s done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
Teacher tames lion cubs
Posted in Lions on March 17, 2009 by PetuniaA Serbian primary school teacher is drawing from her classroom experience to help to tame a group of lion cubs at Belgrade Zoo.
Nadja Radovic is training the young animals, including an extremely rare white lion cub, so they are able to interact with people.
From the BBC.
The Years
Posted in Dogs on February 27, 2009 by PetuniaOn the first day, God created the dog and said:
‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’
The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’
The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’
The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’
But the human said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
