• Approval of credit line at local pet store.
• Demonstration of willingness to share home with dog by moving into a landfill for six months.
• Have all furniture replaced with durable cinder blocks.
• New poodle owners must agree to not give the dog a poofy hair style.
• Potential master must acknowledge that a Great Dane can be a lap dog.
• Prospective adopters of Jack Russell Terriers must score at least 120 on a Stanford-Binet intelligence test.
• Screening out psychically harmful family names such as Katz.
• The Dog has the right to inspect your leg for overall attractiveness and hump-a-bility.
• Timed test to see how long it takes you to find The Spot on your prospective dog’s belly.
• Verify that adopting family has an ample supply of Frisbees.
• Sign away any rights to a hair-free environment.
• Two weeks of primal howl therapy.
• As soon as you walk in the door for your adoption interview one staffer jumps on you and knocks you down, a second pees on your briefcase, and a third hits you repeatedly in the groin with a wet sponge mop.
• Men must sever relations with their best friends as a gesture of good faith.
• Certified letter from a qualified plumber attesting to potability of your home’s toilet water supply.
• Realization that you can’t have dignity and pick up poo at the same time.
• Owner must sign a Statement of Intention Regarding My Testicles.
• Submission of crotch aroma samples from family members for compatibility testing.
• Psychological profiling to eliminate latent “cat-person” personality types.
• And the Number 1 Least Known Step in the Dog Adoption Process… If he has papers, make sure he knows how to go on them.

1. Blaming your farts on me… not funny … not very funny at all!

2.  Blaming your gas on me…not funny.

3.  Yelling at me for barking…  I’M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!!

4.  How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5.  Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

6.  Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.

7.  Yelling at me for rubbing my a** on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?

8.  Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.

9.  How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

10.  Dog sweaters.  Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11.  Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

12.  When you pick up the c**p piles in the yard.  Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13.  Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14.  The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.  You fooled a dog!  What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, idiot.

15.  Invisible fences.  Why do you insist on screwing with us?  To my knowledge, dogdom hasn’t yet solved the visible fence problem!!

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting upper jaw and pop the pill in – quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and…. Oops!

9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think “Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos!”

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat).

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast, time and tabbies wait for no man – or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Viola! It’s done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Nadja Radovic is training the young animals, including an extremely rare white lion cub, so they are able to interact with people.

From the BBC.

Story here