My Worst Bully Nightmare

By Robert Bollong

ifnotbull

Hey Mates,

I am finally going to write this saga, but only after the naggings of my B.T. Mentoress Linda Lethin. When she heard this story she insisted I tell all you guys on the list. But first….. I must warn you….. It’s graphic, …….It’s Ugly…….But, It’s also True… No names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I have had Bullies for nearly twelve years. I had had no major incidents prior to this. I attribute this to my professional training. I have been a police officer for 17 years. During my jail tours I developed skills in the handling the unhandlable; such as serial killers; Randy Kraft, Charles Bonin, and even Richard Ramirez ( The Night Stalker ) So with the experience I gained in keeping these guys under control, I have always done the same with my Bullies. Never an escape nor a major destruction of property.

Then came the new dog… Kingsmere Casanova… AKA Cosmo. He is a maniac. The wildest, most hucklebutting dog I’ve ever owned.

It happened a few months ago when Cosmo was about 6 months old. I woke up that morning feeling down, but being the dedicated employee I am, I went to work anyway. (I hate using my sick time when I’m sick!) When I got home I was looking forward to going straight to bed, as by now I had a fever and body aches. But, to my dismay I had forgotten my daughter’s Softball practice. I could not press my wife Laurie into taking her because she was already taking my son to ice hockey practice.

So I left home with my daughter and returned some two and a half hours later. The first clue something was wrong appeared when I opened the garage door. The garage was flooded. “WHERE DID THAT WATER COME FROM?” I asked my daughter.

I walked to door leading to the house from and garage and opened it. I heard the sound of running water coming from my daughter’s room. WHAT IN THE HELL, I thought. I lurched into my daughter’s room, and was met by the sound of water squishing in the rug under my feet. I peered around the corner, to her 85 gallon aquarium which houses rare and exotic Rift Valley African Cichlids from Lake Tangayika, (and Yes – of course…expensive) the tank was nearly empty. The water had all escaped, wet the rug and seeped out through the drywall into the garage. MY GOD, MY GOD, I yelled, MY FISH! My daughter followed me as I went to open the equipment cabinet under the aquarium to see what kind of mechanical defect caused this tragedy. I OPENED THE CABINET DOOR, AND TO MY DISBELIEF THERE WAS COSMO INSIDE THE CABINET, he had the aquarium water out-flow hose in his mouth, the last few ounces of water drinking from it, as he shook it like a madman. He looked up at me, with a look of surreal satisfaction. His little, black, beady eyes glinting in the dark cabinet. He had a strange look, almost a smile on his face. A million thoughts ran through my head…… How did a dog get inside a closed aquarium equipment cabinet, how did he get inside the house… It did not take me long to place the blame…. ON MY WIFE! She had forgotten to put Cosmo away when she left for hockey.

I picked Cosmo up, and walked him to his crate. My feet squishing in the soaked carpet. As I walked I surveyed the destruction. He had been in the house over two hours, by himself.

He had systematically clipped all the electrical cords from their plugs, leaving the plugs sticking out of their outlets with little piggie tails. Why he didn’t get electrocuted, I don’t know.

Cosmo also chewed up my son’s brand new hockey helmet, and in an attempt to get a toy out from under our couch, he ripped most of the fabric off the lower portion of the sofa.

He emptied the kitchen trashcan and had strewn the trash throughout the house.

But the Coup De Grace, The Piece de Resistance, That little touch that only the evil mind of a pigdog could think of, hit me last, and sent me over the edge.

As I walked through my bedroom I began to smell something, and notice stains on my walls, leading from my bathroom to my bedroom, through the hallway and into the kitchen. I entered the bathroom and the full realization sank in……. One of my children, one of my precious, lovely children, whom I love… But who have the bad habit of not flushing the toilet, had gone “NUMBER TWO” (defecated / had a bowel movement – for our international fans not familiar with American colloquialisms) and did not finish the job by flushing, nor were they troubled by closing the lid.

Cosmo had found this interesting object floating in the John, and plucked it out. He then ran hucklebutt through the house, throwing it in the air as he did, as evidenced by the streaks on the wall.

That was it, I lost it….. Just as my wife came home. I began to cus and couldn’t stop. I never yell and was now doing so at the top of my lungs. My neighbors came out in dismay…… I finally calmed down, nearly cried, mentally and physically wrecked, and spent the next four hours cleaning the mess up. A professional rug cleaner was called (Extra $$$ for late night emergency), and my children forced to clean the “art work” off the walls.

Late that night after I had fallen asleep, I awoke with a start, I had a sudden realization of what that mysterious look on Cosmo’s face was when he was in the aquarium cabinet……………

IT WAS A SHIT EATING GRIN.

But, I still love my Bullies…….

Robert Bollong
Corona, CA
USA

(Sauce…)

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2 Responses to “My Worst Bully Nightmare”

  1. doggonedmysteries Says:

    OMG!!! ROFLMAO!

    Yes, you have been blessed with a true BT. We’ve had them for over 28 years. God love them, there are times you really do want to murder them. Good luck!

    This story was all too familiar to DH and me. We’ve often seen that shit eating grin. 😉

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