The Top Least Known Steps in the Dog Adoption Process

  • Approval of credit line at local pet store.
  • Demonstration of willingness to share home with dog by moving into a landfill for six months.
  • Have all furniture replaced with durable cinder blocks.
  • New poodle owners must agree to not give the dog a poofy hair style.
  • Potential master must acknowledge that a Great Dane can be a lap dog.
  • Prospective adopters of Jack Russell Terriers must score at least 120 on a Stanford-Binet intelligence test.
  • Screening out psychically harmful family names such as Katz.
  • The Dog has the right to inspect your leg for overall attractiveness and hump-a-bility.
  • Timed test to see how long it takes you to find The Spot on your prospective dog’s belly.
  • Verify that adopting family has an ample supply of Frisbees.
  • Sign away any rights to a hair-free environment.
  • Two weeks of primal howl therapy.
  • As soon as you walk in the door for your adoption interview one staffer jumps on you and knocks you down, a second pees on your briefcase, and a third hits you repeatedly in the groin with a wet sponge mop.
  • Men must sever relations with their best friends as a gesture of good faith.
  • Certified letter from a qualified plumber attesting to potability of your home’s toilet water supply.
  • Realization that you can’t have dignity and pick up poo at the same time.
  • Owner must sign a Statement of Intention Regarding My Testicles.
  • Submission of crotch aroma samples from family members for compatibility testing.
  • Psychological profiling to eliminate latent “cat-person” personality types.
  • And the Number 1 Least Known Step in the Dog Adoption Process… If he has papers, make sure he knows how to go on them.
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